The scene: A party.
Our cast of characters:
Larry: Somebody who used to drink too much Alvin: Somebody who enjoys the occasional snifter of brandy
And now, Larry and Alvin discuss drinking…
9:00 PM
Alvin: Care for a drink?
Larry: No, thanks.
Alvin: You don’t drink?
Larry: Nope.
Alvin: Why not?
Larry: I don’t like the taste.
Alvin: I’ll mix in some orange juice and you won’t taste the alcohol.
Larry: Then what’s the point?
Alvin: Uhh…
9:10 PM Alvin: Here, I made you a Bloody Mary. Lots of tomato juice and only a
little bit of vodka.
Larry: I told you, I don’t drink.
Alvin: But it’s hardly got any vodka in it at all!
Larry: I told you, I don’t drink.
Alvin: Don’t you like to party?
Larry: I’m here, aren’t I?
Alvin: Well, here, I’ll just leave it on the table for you.
Larry: Somebody might knock it over. Can you take it into the kitchen?
Alvin: But I made it for you!
Larry: I told you, I don’t drink.
Alvin: All right, all right.
b
Alvin: I’m having a Manhattan. You know what’s in a Manhattan?
Larry: No.
Alvin: Taste it and see if you can guess.
Larry: Do you have any cola left?
Alvin: Oh, I can make you a rum and cola!
Larry: No, I just want a cola.
Alvin: Don’t you want a drink?
Larry: I don’t drink.
Alvin: Not even water? Heh.
Larry: Do you have any mineral water?
Alvin: How about a beer? That’s not really like drinking.
Larry: Thanks, but no. I don’t drink alcohol.
Alvin: Gotta go freshen my Manhattan. Speak to you in a bit.
9:30 PM Alvin: So … you don’t drink, eh?
Larry: Nope.
Alvin: What’s up with that?
Larry: I don’t eat veal either.
Alvin: Huh?
Larry: Well, if I didn’t eat meat, would you keep trying to give me
a steak?
Alvin: Ha ha. This is different.
Larry: In what way?
Alvin: This is a party! You gotta drink at a party!
Larry: Hey, I’m having a good time! Good crowd here, tonight.
We were just discussing last night’s —
Alvin: So you don’t want a drink, then?
Larry: No, it’s okay.
Alvin: Why?
Larry: I don’t like the way it makes me feel.
Alvin: Oh, you mean the hangovers! So just have one little drink!
Larry: I’m fine, thanks.
Alvin: Okay, okay, I can take a hint. Geez.
9:40 PM
Alvin: So, why is it, I mean, why is it you don’t drink?
Larry: I partied hearty when I was younger. I’ve turned over
a new leaf.
Alvin: So now you’re a monk, is that it?
Larry: No, it’s just a personal decision.
Alvin: Why not have a drink and relax a little?
Larry: Nah, that would take the edge off.
Alvin: That’s the whole point! Take the edge off. Relax.
Larry: I like to keep sharp. Got any coffee?
Alvin: Irish coffee! Now there’s a good idea!
Larry: No, just plain coffee.
Alvin: I’ll go have a look.
9:50 PM
Alvin: Here’s your coffee.
Larry: [sniffs cautiously] Is this just coffee?
Alvin: Well, no. I mean … yes!
Larry: Really?
Alvin: Well, just about.
Larry: What’s in it?
Alvin: A bit of whisky. Just a few drops for flavor. The
heat of the coffee probably evacor— evaporated
all the alcohol anyway.
Larry: Alvin, I really don’t want any alcohol.
Alvin: Oh, I see. So you’re better than everybody else.
Larry: Hardly. I just choose not to drink.
Alvin: I don’t get people like you.
10:00 PM Alvin: Hey, Larry, you gotta check out this 25-year-old Scotch!
Larry: Good, is it?
Alvin: Itsh amazing! Smooooth as silk!
Larry: Three cheers for Scotland, then!
Alvin: Here, I’ll pour you a bit so you can see for yourself.
Larry: I’ll take your word for it.
Alvin: Oh, yeah, you’re the guy who won’t take a drink.
Larry: I guess so!
Alvin: So what’s with that? You an alkie or something?
Larry: People who don’t drink are alcoholics?
Alvin: Well, why else wouldn’t you drink?
Larry: Just a personal decision. Good health and all that.
Alvin: I read somewhere that wine is good for you. It clears
up the blood or something like that. Want some wine?
Larry: No, thanks.
Alvin: Back in a sec.
10:15 PM Alvin: Dang, they’re outta that great Scotch. Gotta make do with
this crap cheap stuff.
Larry: We were just discussing last night’s —
Alvin: This stuff’s okay, I guess. I can’t really taste the
diff’rence.
Larry: That’s good.
Alvin: I’ll bet you couldn’t tell the difference.
Larry: Probably not.
Alvin: I’ll bet you ten dollars you can’t.
Larry: You’d win that bet.
Alvin: Umm. Bet you ten dollars you can tell the diff’rence!
Larry: I guess we’ll never know, since they’re out of the good stuff.
Alvin: What? Oh. You’re messing with my mind.
Larry: Sorry.
Alvin: Whatsh with you holy rollers, anyhow? I tell ya, itsh
people like this who make us normal people … [wanders off]
10:45 PM Alvin: What’re you looking at?
Larry: Excuse me?
Alvin: Sorry, man. I mean, whatsh on the TV?
Larry: We’re watching the game.
Alvin: Letsh toasht team!
Larry: I beg your pardon?
Alvin: I said … let’s … toast … the … team.
Larry: [raises glass of cola] To the team!
Alvin: Why’s the TV all blurry?
11:00 PM Larry: Well, Alvin, it’s been an enjoyable evening. I’ve got to
get going, now.
Alvin: Wha’?
Larry: I’m heading out. Thanks for everything.
Alvin: One for the road?
Larry: That wouldn’t be a good idea.
Alvin: You can take a buszh. A buff. A taxi!
Larry: I’d rather take my car.
Alvin: Let me getcher coat.
Larry: I’m wearing it.
Alvin: Stand shtill and lemmee get your hat. Gotta have a hat.
Larry: I’ve got to go now. Bye, Alvin.
Alvin: Don’t wear a hat? Whatsh with people like you?
Larry: I didn’t bring a hat.
Alvin: You think I’m an alco’lic, dontcha?
Larry: An alcoholic? That’s not for me to say.
Alvin: I notchyanno.
Larry: Excuse me?
Alvin: I’m … not … you … know.
Larry: Good to hear that. See you at the office tomorrow.
Alvin: You mean this isn’t Friday?
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